Countdown to Christmas With A Sexy Advent Calendar

Opening those little numbered doors is much more exciting when the prize behind them is libidinous. 

By Jessie Schiewe

If Christmas day is the entree, then advent calendars are the bread baskets you munch from until the main course is served. Each day throughout the month of December, you pry open a new tiny numbered door to reveal a prize of some sort, which, more often than not, is just a piece of chocolate. 

While this may be exciting for kids, the appeal of advent calendars is usually lost on adults who require more than a jolt of sugar to use one. 

But that is gradually changing thanks to a number of pioneering businesses selling advent calendars that contain everything from coffee and makeup to craft beers and erotic toys. Thanks to them, instead of unearthing caloric sweets throughout the month of December, you can now be surprised with prostate ticklers, fuzzy handcuffs, and all manner of bedroom gadgets and gewgaws. 

“Strange Valentine’s Day Gifts More Exciting Than Chocolates & Roses”

This year, Lovehoney, an online sex toy retailer started in 2002 by two men from Bath, England, is offering a sexy advent calendar that promises to spice up any relationship.

It might be cold outside, but it’ll be steamy between your sheets with this advent calendar by Lovehoney.

Encased in a sturdy purple box with a magnetic closure, the prizes in the Best Sex of Your Life Couple’s Sex Toy advent calendar range from the mildly seductive (hot rocks and massage oil, red satin restraints) to guaranteed climax inducers (cock rings, anal beads, and a seven-mode clitoris and G-spot vibrator).

For just over $100, you’ll receive pretty much all of the most well-known foreplay tools, be it a blindfold or a vanilla-scented candle, along with a few sexy diversions, like a dice game and a bondage-themed deck of cards. 

Reviewers have called it “mind-blowing,” “intense,” and “a squirter’s paradise.”  

In addition to their sexy advent calendar for couples, Lovehoney also sells one that’s only 12 days long, with a piece of sexy lingerie hidden behind each door. Available in one-size fits all and “queen,” those who countdown the dates until Christmas with this $120 advent box will be rewarded with everything from black lace teddies and nipple pasties to red lingerie sets and revealing body stockings. 

Orion, an erotic wholesale company in Germany that got its start in 1940 as a mail-order condom business, also peddles sexy advent calendars.

For couples who like to follow directions, they offer a Seductive Christmas Time advent calendar that, instead of containing physical items, reveals daily “exciting tasks” for couples to partake in. 

Lovehoney’s 12 Nights of Seduction advent calendar is stocked with scandalous lingerie.

Orion’s top of the line, $140 advent calendar consists of 24 different-shaped purple, pink, and gold boxes mounted together on a piece of cardboard that, thanks to a stand on the back, can be displayed upright, doubling as a not-so-wholesome holiday decoration. Concealed in those boxes are myriad sex toys, including bullet vibrators, restraints and bondage accessories, lingerie items, and anal lube.  

Instead of featuring a mere 24 boxes, the Nicolette Box by Orion technically has 25 thanks to the addition of a special “backdoor.” All of the toys contained in it were hand-picked by Nicolette — a busty, dolled-up brunette from Germany best-known for her antics as a cam girl, but also, according to her Instagram profile, a “COMEDIAN • VLOGGER • BUSINESS-OWNER.”

Have your chocolate and eat it, too, with Orion’s Chippendale advent calendar.

Totaling $100, Nicolette’s sexy advent calendar is vague about what it includes, but hints that it could be sexy panties, condoms, body cream, and “joke items.”

For those who require the inclusion of chocolate in their advent calendars in order to truly get into the holiday spirit, they have titillating versions of those, too, featuring the backsides of bikini-clad Penthouse models and full-frontals of bow tie-wearing Chippendales. 

The staunchly religious among us will likely decry these sexy advent calendars as adulterating the Christmas holiday.

But they’re forgetting one key thing: Advent means “coming” in Latin. So, when you know that, what better way is there to celebrate Jesus’ coming into the world than by cuming oneself?

JESSIE SCHIEWE IS THE EDITOR OF OK WHATEVER. SHE BELIEVES IN MERMAIDS AND THRIFT SHOPS FOR EXERCISE.

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