Horse Lubricant Is Not Solely Used By Farmers & Veterinarians
The slippery, heavy-duty stuff has a legion of fans who have found both wholesome and naughty uses for it.
By Jessie Schiewe
They say actions speak louder than words — and if that’s the case, then pouring gallons of horse lubricant on cops must be deafening.
Two anti-fascist protesters tried this tactic at an alt-right rally in Portland, Oregon, last August armed with water guns and four 5-gallon buckets of the viscous stuff mixed with gold glitter.
But even sparkly things can be dangerous, and for the cops who didn’t know what it was but were soon drenched in it, it was considered a real threat.
“It was terrifying for them because they did not know if the liquid was going to hurt them,” Multnomah County Deputy District Attorney Kate Williams told FOX affiliate station, KPTV.
The golden slime was later determined to be horse lubricant — a substance that is harmless to both animals and humans, and usually applied to objects that are inserted into the body, making them slippery and less painful upon entering.
It’s an important tool when performing obstetrical, vaginal, and rectal exams on large mammals, and can also be used to lubricate catheters and stomach tubes for other medical procedures.
Related: Enemas and the People Who Love Them
Perhaps most vitally, it is used when horses and other livestock are in labor to minimize the impact of human interventions, which can be necessary for complicated births but may have repercussions.
“The vagina and reproductive tract don’t like manipulation — i.e., a human arm — and will lay down scar tissue very quickly. The mare’s future fertility can be compromised,” Grant S. Frazer, a professor at the Ohio State University College of Veterinary Medicine, explained at the American College of Theriogenology’s annual meeting in 2004.
Farmers, breeders, and veterinarians are the target demographic for horse lubricants, and you can easily find gallons of the stuff online listed alongside other birthing tools, like bovine cervical forceps and vulva suture pins.
But you don’t have to work with animals to buy the slippery stuff. Anyone can purchase it online; they even sell it on Amazon, which is probably where the protesters bought it.
Related: “They Put My Face On Sex Toy Batteries”
In fact, a brief perusal of customers’ reviews of J-Lube, one of the most popular horse lubricants on the market, proves that most people who purchase it don’t actually own horses — and instead, use it on themselves.
As one unsuspecting farmer wrote:
“I was surprised to find some of J-Lube's other uses on the reviews!!! And wished there was a review pertaining to its intended use, which is for livestock.”
Because here’s horse lubricant’s dirty little secret: Even though it’s made for animals, it’s also commonly used in the bedroom to aid in sex acts, like anal and fisting.
Customers prefer the stuff over human-designed lubricants for its superior smooth, yet incredibly slippery texture that makes it incredibly easy to fit large objects into small spaces.
People have even made up words to describe horse lubricant’s unique qualities.
“It is very “slikery,” wrote one Amazon customer. “Silky, slick, [and] slippery.”
The fact that horse lubricant is hard to remove once applied is also a coup, with fans touting its use during shower sex. It can also be used to moisten up sex toys.
As one Amazon reviewer ominously wrote:
“You will be impressed [by] what you are able to take.”
You might also be impressed by horse lubricant’s other uses outside of the barn or bedroom. Parents with young children love the stuff because it’s a vital ingredient for creating large, long lasting bubbles, as well as effective D.I.Y. slip and slides. Those needing to move large, weighty objects have also been known to use horse lubrication, with at least one Amazon reviewer saying they used it “to slide very heavy equipment on a flat surface.”
Related: The Surprising Health Benefits of Swallowing Semen
And then there are the pranksters who buy horse lubricant to wreak havoc and play tricks on others. A college student greased their body with it ahead of a freshman hazing tradition that involved running through an arch guarded by the school’s rugby team.
“I completely doused myself in this lube about seven times over the course of the whole event, and it worked great,” they wrote. “I slipped past a bunch of people in a row and made it through!”
Others have filled water balloons with the clear goo or used it to solve mysteries.
“Best thing to ever help me discover who was using my shampoo in a house full of roommates,” wrote one Amazon customer. “Just replaced one of my bottles with a nondescript bottle of this stuff [and] bam! Could hear the thuds and slipping and cursing from the shower!”
Horse lubricant is also gentle on your wallet. It’s not just cheap, but it can last a while. J-Lube is particularly popular for this reason as it comes in a powder form that then expands when you add water. One $16 10 oz. bottle can make anywhere from six to eight gallons of lube.
Even though it’s non-irritating and made with a chemically inert formula, there are, however, a few downsides to using horse lubricants. Because it includes sucrose, a sugar derived from beets and mass cane, it shouldn’t be used for vaginal intercourse because it can trigger yeast or other bacterial infections.
The powder-kind, like J-Lube, also has the ability to mold, making it a bad idea to mix large batches if you’re not going to use it all in one go.
There are also those who are against using it simply because it’s not designed for us to use.
As someone on Yahoo! Answers pointed out:
“There is a reason why there are livestock products and human products.”
But, with over 600 reviews and counting for J-Lube on Amazon, it’s clear these warnings are falling on deaf ears. People love the stuff that is so sticky it “could make sandpaper slippery.”
There’s a whole website dedicated to horse lubricant best practices and someone even wrote a poem about it:
There once was a lube prefixed "J-"
Whose slipperiness offered a way
For many a buyer to quench their desire,
Be they vets, bubble blowers, or gay.
Now as to the product's appeal,
I can vouch all the hype is quite real,
Just a little will do to make gallons of goo,
To use however you feel.
As for the Portlanders who poured the glittery stuff on cops at the protest, what happened to them?
Well, they ran away but were eventually caught, getting slapped with five days in jail, probation, and a community service sentence upon their release.
But it’s likely they harbor few regrets about what they did. At their trial, a witness said they saw them fist bump each other after they were loaded into a patrol car.
So there you have it. Horse lubricant isn’t just good for animal husbandry; it’s also great for sex acts, making bubbles, pulling pranks, and pissing off police officers.
(This article was originally published on June 10, 2019)
More OK Whatever:
